Sometimes I am not even sure what I am really looking for. Answers? Questions? Hope? Sincerity? Humble hearts?
Maybe that’s what life is… searching for God knows what. Isn’t there a book with that title? It seems vaguely familiar to me. It makes me think it’s possibly a very Christian book. Which makes me shudder.
Tonight. I had a breakdown. My first in awhile (considering while I was really struggling with my Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder I had a breakdown at least once a day… well not in awhile is that big of a deal.) However. Back to the breakdown. I was sobbing out the truths of my life as I see them to my very loving and understanding fiance when this slipped out… “I don’t like people right now,”
I almost shocked myself, were it not for the fact that I’ve known this innately for awhile. People are taking a LOT of ENERGY right now and after the year that I’ve had, I don’t have much in the energy stores to be all invested and love on people like I used to. Plus, I’m going through overhauls of certain friendships in which those friends are trying to decide if they can be in relationship with me because I don’t subscribe to the idea of “Biblical Womanhood” and “Submission.” So yeah, leaves me my mouth a little bitter so far as the human race goes.
*Face palm.* To be fair, it’s not that I dislike everyone. I don’t even dislike people. I just don’t like spending time with people. That’s a first in a very long time. I’m a PEOPLE PERSON! I am that girl that used to plan PARTIES and have lots of COFFEE DATES and ask everyone ALL THE QUESTIONS.
But I’m out. Of. Energy. I used up all my reserves. I just don’t have it in me right now. And the Christian culture I’ve been in the past five years would chide me and tell me that I must me doing something wrong. But I don’t think that’s true.
Does Christianity ever EXHAUST you?! Do people ever finally bring you to your end? Are you just wanting to go to an island for a month and re-charge?
Or… am I alone?