It’s been another long week.
What does a long week even entail in life? I don’t know about other people, but for me it means that I had several consecutive panic attacks that led to me being up literally all night one night, only to stay home from work the next day because I couldn’t function, only to get 2 hours of sleep that entire day, only to be in a fog the next day, only to have therapy which drained me entirely, only to… well, you get the picture.
Sometimes I wonder if I have a brain tumor simply because I’m exhausted. All. Of. The. Freaking. Time.
Sometimes I wonder if I have a brain tumor because I’m anxious and anxiety fixates on different things for different people, for me it tends to be health issues.
Sometimes I wonder if I have a brain tumor because that would be easier than processing a lot of the stuff going on in my life right now and in the past.
But. I wonder in general, and that’s pretty exhausting.
Lent began this week too. It’s interesting to be practicing lent this year. It’s different than ever before. Feels different. What I’m doing though is giving up doing things out of fear and incorporating reading something “spiritual” everyday. Whether it be the Bible, or a book by Henri Nouwen, or a quote or two from someone’s blog. Just a tid bit every day to get me thinking and pondering.
Soon I’ll be adding meeting with a priest in addition to my therapy, in addition to naturopathy, in addition to well… you know the list. Steps forward, forward motion. Breathe in, breathe out.
In the midst of this long week, I was blessed by many happy moments. The weather has been oddly pleasant in the afternoons allowing for the sun to peek over shoulders and warm heads. Lia and I have spent our fair share out in the world in the afternoons and I’ve taken my lovely dog, Emma, for many a sunny walk. It’s been SO nice. Jacob and I are enjoying planning for the wedding and also enjoying the time we get to spend together. Between his new job, my job, both of our school schedules, and general life happenings we will be seeing each other less and less in the coming months. It makes our time together precious and invaluable. I got to talk to my auntie tonight about all myriad of topics and that was very refreshing. I am looking forward to seeing her when I go to Boise for my bridal shower. Which reminds me that I got an invite to my BRIDAL SHOWER! EEK! So crazy fun 🙂 Really looking forward to my trip to Boise and seeing people I love while I’m there. I’ve felt a lot more like “myself” the last couple of weeks. The Lexapro has finally worn off and I’m balancing out a bit more. Extremes are more present now than before, but it’s nice to actually feel again. Really nice.
Random thoughts, thoughts that aren’t important to anyone but me. Just trying to write tonight to remember different stages in my healing process.