There are days and weeks.

I’m married!! How wonderful is that??? I’m so glad to cuddle up next to my husband every night. To feel safe, vulnerable, loved, at home by his side.

The wedding, apart from my anxiety and near panic episode, was absolutely amazing. I could not have asked for a better day. We were so loved all day by friends and family and as we made our vows to each other it really did feel like we had the support of so many people holding us in that moment. We are richly blessed. I cried several times that day, great big tears of joy. So overcome was I by the love of my friends and my family. Oddly enough, I felt humbled at my own wedding by the amazing people surrounding us. I just loved celebrating our commitment to one another with all of those people. It was a joyous, beautiful day.

Yet at the end of a timeless perfect day? Comes more days and weeks where I’m still struggling with emotional trauma. “Emotional and psychological trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security, making you feel helpless and vulnerable in a dangerous world.” Says the internet. I keep thinking this or that will be the event that makes everything okay, but at the end of the day, I’m still terrified that people say terribly sexual and degrading things, that men in power don’t do anything about it, that there are senseless school shootings everywhere, that the food we eat can cause crazy body reactions, that friends do the most damaging things. And all of it makes me sad because Christianity didn’t protect me the way I thought it would. I liken it to stand in firmly on a rug, a safety net, only to have it ripped out from under my feet.

It is honestly tiresome. I weep with deep pain of feeling crazy. I literally tremor from fear of several triggers known and unknown. Big, life changing events like weddings or an imminent move make my body go into overdrive and I lose all control over the ability to sleep and care for myself. Many months later the slightest tinge of pain is a blood clot, the quick moment of dizziness is a brain tumor, and in general my body is slowly shutting down. Sigh. How tiresome it is.

In some ways, I see it getting better. In other ways I see it all worsening.

What I’m learning above all is the need to be gentle with myself, to accept this part of me that IS damaged. That needs redemption and healing. That isn’t fixed by one event large or small. But that’s so hard. I used to find so much joy in achieving and overcoming things (my number one strength on the a strengths finder test is achievement.) And that I can’t easily overcome the emotional trauma makes me feel so weak, desperate, sad, powerless, scared, and alone.

I’m so lucky that those closest to me know that I’m still healing and have a great amount of patience with me (Jacob, Kelli, Phil, etc.) But for them especially I want to be healthy, happy, and whole. I guess it’s not even just patience. They hold so much grace and love and joy over my small accomplishments. They are my cheerleaders and I’m so very glad to have them on my side.

I yet worry about the rest of the world and their thoughts, when I should care less. But oh a people pleaser I am.

I hope soon I have the time and space… that I make the time and space to heal, to sleep a lot, to read books, to research all of this and write a book, to continue this never ending journey of discovery that I’m on.

Until then, there are some days and weeks that are harder than others. And honestly? That sucks.

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