Do you see me?

Early on when I was first dealing with my panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, full time school, and being a nanny to a 7 month old 55 hours a week I would get overwhelmed and lonely. Weird, eh?

True story.

Another true story is that sometimes I would take little Lia out to a coffee shop, the library, Gymboree, or the store and just hope and hope and hope that someone would see us and talk to me.

A lot of the last year has been spent alone or with a little tiny bundle of joy and needs. It was alienating and odd. My life up to that point had been consistent with PEOPLE. And while being around people often triggered my panic attacks I still needed it. And sometimes it got unbearable. It felt like my life wasn’t real. Nobody saw what I was doing 90% of the time… was it even really happening?

And so, out I would go. Desperate for eye contact, a head nod, a “hello”, an acknowledgement that I was in fact a real, breathing, human.

Do you see me?

Do you see me?

Do you see me?

Today, a year later from when the worst of it all began I was walking around Fred Meyer shopping for dinner and I noticed how quickly people averted their eyes.

We don’t really like talking to each other. We don’t even necessarily love to say hi to a stranger. It can feel awkward, uncomfortable, forced. But today I was aware of how good, healing, and healthy it can be just to look at someone in the eye.

Because sometimes we just need to be seen.

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One thought on “Do you see me?

  1. Amen! I with you that sometime that little smile helps more than anyone will ever realize. Because we do feel invisible when we feel alone. I recently started blogging because pain shared is pain lessened. Following each other is another way to bond so we dont feel so alone. Its no substitute for real life, friends and love but it helps. The name of my blog is called falling Down The Rabbit Hole.
    http://lisapinney.wordpress.com/ maybe we can somehow be there for each other

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